


Borderline

by Sissiqueen



Series: Is love enough for us? [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Borderline Personality Disorder, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Drama & Romance, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Hospitalization, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Suicide Attempt, Teenage Castiel, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-08 04:56:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7744174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sissiqueen/pseuds/Sissiqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is 20 years old victim of sexual abuse with no support from his parents. Castiel is another suicidal teenager who just turned 13. They probably could have met in a better place, but things are as they are. Castiel goes to the hospital again and thinks he may be falling in love, because Dean is the only person who cares about him. And Dean, well - Dean's got his big brother mode on the first minute he sees blue eyed boy. There's something else going on, but will they admit that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The first

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS. I don't own anything and all mistakes are on me.  
> Hope you'll like it.

__

"_I don't think I can do this anymore._" _he says weakly, eyes wide open. He is sitting on the cold floor, barely keeping himself from falling down again. His gaze's focus on man standing across the room. His face is hide in the darkness, but Castiel is still able to see the color of his eyes. They are green like a fresh grass and they're the only reason he wasn't dead. Not yet._  
_He feels awful for telling this words, of course. But what was the point of fighting anyway? It's not like he was going to win. There is **no way** he was going to win. Not against his worst enemy who happened to be himself.  
"If you say so, I should probably shot myself in the head then."_

  
  


### Three weeks earlier...

  


######  _Castiel_

His room's dark and messy. Books and papers laying all over the floor and desk along with some dirty clothes and stuffed bears. He's curled on his bed, under the blanket with pillow on his head. This is his usual place when he's off school, but to be honest - he hasn't really leaved for a few days. Four, five maybe. Does it matter?  
Even with a pillow pressed to his ears, he can still hear voices coming from the living room probably. His sibling are trying to make themselves quiet, but not quiet enough for oversensitive Castiel.  
"So what's the matter? He can just stay there forever, you talk to me like I should actually care! I'm not his babysitter and I'm in fact quite busy!"  
"Of course you're busy, because you always are. But you keep reminding that you older than me all the time, so why don't you act like a fucking adult?!"  
Castiel lets out a scared moan, when he hears something hitting a wall. Glass? Or one of the photographs Michael keeping on a shelf just above the couch.  


"You can't say it, Lucifer. You can't possibly say to me that you still blame him..."  
He feels tears in his eyes and lets them soaked into the mattres.  
"'Fcourse I do! You can't tell me you don't! I can see it in your eyes, brother. You know what I know. Dad would never leave us if he didn't ki--!"  
"That's enough. He's just a little boy and you know he can hear both of you." His sister's soft voice doesn't help, even if it always did before. It doesn't matter, because Lucifer's right. And he knows it, and they know it too. She only said that, because he can hear. She only said that, because she doesn't want to end up in foster home when child services find out. She's afraid so she said that to pretend that she cares about him. That they all do.  
"Don't have time for this, I'm going to earn some money. If he won't come out till I'm back I'll fucking make him. And he will be sleeping in our fucking garage for the whole fucking moth. You hear me, you piece of shit?!"  
The last part's for him, obviously. Lucifer likes to make him scared and he really doesn't care if he hurts the boy. Castiel's now scared to death, but can't make himself to get up. He hears doors slamming hard in the exact same time as blood drops from his exposed hip. He's pressing finger deep inside the cut to make it more paintful. He knows the date and he has to punish himself.  
He killed her and made him leave.  
He killed his mommy.  
He killed his family as well.  
He made him quit his job and leave.  
He made him walk through the door and never come back.  
Happy birthday, Castiel.  


There's loud knocking and he knows it's Michael again. His older brother aka surrogate father is doing this every thirty minutes since yesterday.  
He starts to feel a little dizzy, but it didn't stop him from another deep cut.  
"Little brother, let me in... Please?"  
Pain is all he has when he feels something leaving his body.  
"Just open the door and I won't let Lucifer hurt you, okay? You know better."  
He tries to obey, but falls on the floor. Michael had to hear that, because he knocks even louder than before.  
" Castiel, open the door! You hear me?! "  


Next thing he remebers is waking up on the couch, surronded by his siblings. He notices their worried expresions and his heart breaks. What happened?  
"You passed out." Hannah helps him sit up as she gentely strokes his black hair. He closes his eyes a little and let out a quiet sigh.  
"Castiel, you can't do this. I don't care that you're hurt, just pull yourself together already! "  
"Michael!" Hannah seems angry, but her hand never leaves his hair. "When was the last time you ate something, sweethear? Did you eat your breakfast?"  
"No." He admits, his voice weak and completely wrecked. He felt bandage on his hip and shifts uncomfortably. It doesn't suppose to be like that.  
"It stops now or I will let Lucifer drag you to the hospital, understood?"  
"Of course, brother. It won't happen again." Too bad he is an excellent liar.

 

######  _Dean_

" Okay, Sammy... You go to Bobby's now. And he said you can call him anytime you need. Promise me you will if they start fighting again."  
"Promise. Take care of yourself, you shouldn't be worrying about me."  
He huggs his little brother before he could stop himself. 'No chick-flick moments' rules is definitely suspended for now. It gets weird pretty soon so he decides to take a step back. He looks into Sammy's hazel eyes and force a weak smile on his face. He's been preparing them for this moment for years, but it doesn't make it easier. Not really.  
"I'm going to visit as soon as they let me. Know that, right?"  
It feels like Sam just took something heavy from Dean's heart. What he even did to deserve that perfect brother?  


_"Stupid cunt, you fucking pathetic. He won't visit, you won't see him ever again."_ Older boy grabs his head and immediatly closes his eyes. His lungs hurts and he can breath for a few seconds, but it's not something new. He's used to this feeling. And his dad's voice in his head.  
" Go, Sammy. I'll be fine. See ya soon." He speaks finally, pushing boy through the front door. Not brutally, of course. He would rather die than hurt his little brother. He was his most precious person in the entire world.  
Sam only nods and heads straight to Dean's 67' Chevy Impala. Dean won't need his baby for a while and he didn't want to leave her to John. He didn't deserve her. With a weak sigh, Dean goes to the living room. His parents're watching news, bottle of whiskey never leaves John's hand. Even if it's only 10 a.m. . Mary notices his son almost right away and gives him a confused look.  
"I'm leaving, um... " He clears his throat before speaking again. " Goin' to the hospital today. Told you week ag--..."  
"Oh, of course. When you'll be back?"  
"Um... Dunno, maybe a month or so. No idea..." _"What kind of fucking question is that? She knows they'll never let you back home, you freak."_  
" Okay. Be good, Dean. And behave."  


She smiles at him and goes back to the news on TV just lk that. His father doesn't even blink, probably too drunk to even realise he's still awake. He was hoping for some kind of proper goodbye here, he won't admit it though. He doesn't want their pity. Not today and not ever. As soon as they'll release him from the hospital he'll take Sammy, find a job and rent a room for them. And then Sammy will go to college and find a nice girl. And after that Dean will babysitt his nieces and nephews, and maybe few pets as well. He wants Sammy to have big family. A happy family, unlike their own. And he will have that, Dean's sure of that. No matter how much he'll have to sacrifice, Sammy will have that. Boy deserves a little light in his life.


	2. The second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean starts his therapy. Lucifer can't control his anger anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THE TAGS, PLEASE. I don't own anything. I am so sorry for all mistakes, I wrote this one in bus, when I was going on vacation. Next one will be up probably when I go back home, so next week or so. Thank you for kudos and feel free to leave comments.

######  _Dean_

  


" You came to us from your own will, so I hope you'll tell me everything, okay? My name's Meg Masters and I am your psychiatrist."  
The woman's sitting comfortably in her chair, her eyes never leave Dean's face. He feels himself blushing and starts to getting even more nervous.  
"Okay... I will try to tell you everything I can remember. "  
"I'm Dean." He adds awkwardly after a minute, not really knowing what else to say. He's so fucking stupid. But she only smiles and nods her head.  
"Yes, I know that, Dean. Now... Would you like to start telling me your story? It doesn't have to be chronological, but it would be very helpful for both of us."

"I was, um... Or I still am, I quess... " He feels like crying, but doesn't want her to know that. "I'm being molesting. Exactly sixteen years today. "  
"That's why you came?"  
"Yeah, maybe... To celebrate this fucking anniversary. " He laughs nervously, clearing his throat. " I couldn't left my baby brother alone, he wasn't old enough. And now he's... """  
He can't say it. He tries, but his voice's gone. **He can't say it.**  
" He's what, Dean? Tell me."  
"He's sixteen now. It's his birthday."  
She looked confused and a little bit sad for a while, but still lockes her eyes on him. He finally figures out that's the reason she preferres recording than making notes.  
"This has started the same day your brother was born?"  
"No, it happened _right after_ Sammy was born. I was with him, when my father called from the hospital. "  
" Dean... Can you tell me who is he?"  
"My parents best friend. Actually my mother's, but my father likes him too. They used to spend a lot of time together. They don't now, but it doesn't matter, because he's still coming to our house when they not around."  
"Okay. I have to ask you a very difficult question, alright?" He only nods. "Have you tried to tell your parents? "  
"Nah, not really."  
"Why not, Dean?"  
"Because they already know."  
And there's the silence. Just as he expected.

  


"Tell me more, if you can. Why you think they know?"  
"Mom's found me once, before I cleaned myself. It was, um... It was the first time he actually had sex with me. And I couldn't move when he left, so I was laying on my bed. Naked probably. I remember that bath water was pink from blood."  
"What did she say?"  
"Nothin'. She put my pajamas on and put me on my bed. On my stomach, so I wouldn't hurt that much. She hasn't talked about it ever again."  
"And what about your father?"  
"He did it in front of him. We were watching... Football, I quess, and he made me sit on his lap. He has his hand in my underwear and fingers in my... Inside me. But dad was drunk, I don't know if he noticed. And then he force me to suck his dick and ride him after. And... And dad just looked at me and opened another bottle of whiskey."  
"How old were you during this incidents? "  
" Almost five and about nine, I don't remember. He did it often from then. When he... You know, made sure my dad doesn't give a fuck. But he always told me he loves me afterwards. "  
"This man told you he loves you?"  
"My dad. He used to tell me he loves me and that I was brave. And he..."  
"Yes?"  
"He stopped. When Sammy turned ten he stopped."  
"What happened when Sammy turned ten?"  
This silence was so big it hurts his ears. He forgets how to breathe, when he suddenly was back in his house in his room and He was... _Oh God, He was--! Dean blinks and tries to control his voice._  
" I want to go back to my room now, please."  


  


######  _Castiel_

  


He loves cooking, he really does. Gentle aromat of spices and vegetables, boiling together until they create perfect combination. To bad he'll never know how it tastes like. He knows he still has some time before Michael's return. He reaches for the biggest bowl he can find and fill it with wholewheat pasta and sauce he just made. Smells so delicious he would kill just to try.  
"_Lick you finger and I'll kill you._" He can't actually argue. So he does his usual - throws the food to the flay and place empty bowl on the kitchen table. He puts some sauce in the corners of his mouths to make an impression he just ate. But he doesn't taste the food. Instead he's touching his collarbones and ribs, just to make sure they haven't disappeared. 

" Castiel, you here?" Michael's voice seems truly worried, but Castiel knows it just an act. Or at least voice in his head is certain of that.  
"I was in the kitchen, just finish my dinner."  
He walks into the living room and forces himself to smile. Not too much, because that would be suspicious. His brother gazing at him for some time, clearly thinking hard about his statement.  
"Great. I called your doctor today, but he's retired. He gave me some great tips though. So from now you are not eating until someone's with you. And by someone I mean myself."  
Castiel hears familiar voice, but Michael's lips are not moving. Which only leaves...  
"I didn't expect you home so soon, Lucifer. Why didn't you tell me you going to call doctor Steven?"  
"Probably because you're bunch of idiots. You will believe him without second thought and he's lying like always. "  
"What...? No! 'M not, I--"  
"Shut the fuck up already, can ya?"  
He feels the sharp pain on his chin and then a little burning. Slapping was hard enough to send him to the floor. He didn't understand what's happening until strong hand grips his arm and lift him up.  
"Do it again and I will personally kill you, brother."  
"Oh I'd love to see you try. What about now, hm?"  
He sees Lucifer raising his hand again and Gabriel's pocket knife shining in the bright light. Michael doesn't even flinch, just observing and Castiel can see something weird in his eyes. His heart stops and he must be even paler than usual.  
_What. Are. They. Doing._  
He has to stop it before they hurt each other, but he can't move. Every muscle in his skinny body is completely paralized with fear. _"Pathetic."_  
" Stop... Gabriel, please, stop." His voice is weak, but loud enough to be heard. He knows only Gabriel can stop this, older men are far too gone. And then he feels the same strong hand as before, lifting him up. He suddenly feels anxious when they enter his bedroom. It's still dark, but his bed is clean and books're lying on the shelves where they belong.  
"It's okay, Cassie. Get some sleep." Gabriel's whispering while putting him to bed, like he was some kind of delicate infant.  
"We won't fight again, promise. "  
His brother adds stoically when Castiel hand can't let go if his arm, his little fingers leaving red marks on Gabriel's skin.  
"We won't, Cassie, it's okay."  
But they are, as soon as man closes the door. Castiel can clearly hear that this is not an argument, they are really fighting. And when one of them hits the floor, he starts crying. It's the first natural reaction of a young boy. The second one isn't as natural though - he takes his blade from under the pillow and draws long lines on his thighs.


	3. The third

######  _Dean_

Days in the hospital were long and boring, but Dean's never complaines. He rather be here than in his family house. It isn't his home, not anymore. He's spending all of the time when he's off the therapy just sitting on his bed and looking at the white wall. He is alone in the room, the other bed standing there empty. He feels really glad no one needs it and hopes it will stay that way. It's not that he doesn't want company - of course he does. But thought of some kid or teenager so messed up by their life is burning a hole in his heart. No one deserves to be locked up in order to protect them from the world or worse - from themselves.  
"Hello, Dean. It's time for your talk with doctor Masters. You ready?" The nurse's voice is calm and friendly, she was working there for almost ten years. She visites Dean at least twice a day and they're talking about her family and his dreams. Dean likes her, she is like a friend he's never had.  
"Yeah, sure." He stands up and follows her. Right after doctor Master's door, she gives him a hug.  
"You brother's coming today, am I right?" He nods as wide smile's appeared on his face. He didn't talk with Sam for a week and it feels like the eternity.  
"Well, good luck with therapy. I'll be waiting for you in hour from now."  
"Thanks." He knocks lightly and opens the door. Meg invites him in, pointing a chair in front of her desk.  
"How are you doing today, Dean? I see you still aren't sleeping well." She lookes at dark circles under his eyes. She is right, so he nods somehow ashamed. He should be able to sleep, he is finally safe after all, but everytime he closes his eyes the same face appeared.  
"You think he will come after you?"  
"I don't know. I'm afraid he would hurt me, if he think I went to the police or something. But you can't tell them anything, right?"  
He's asking this question everytime they talked.  
"No, I can't tell them anything without your permission. But once again, I think it will help you more than you think. And this man would never hurt you again."  
He remains silence, because it was obvious she doesn't understand. He can't do it. He would go to the police and what? His face would be all over the news, his parents would lost his job and Sammy would never had a chance for normal life. His nightmare would haunt his family for the rest of their lifes and he can't let that happen.  
"Okay, would you mind talking about your father today?"  
"No, not really. But there is nothing to talk, he's an alcoholic. What else you want to know?"  
"Did he abuse you or any other member of your family in any way?"  
"He's been always fighting with Sammy, but he never hit him. "  
"Did he beat you?"  
"No, he was a good father. Not perfect, of course, but not the worst. He cared about us in his own way."  
"You think he cared about you even if he saw what this man's doing to you?"  
Dean frozes, looking everywhere but not at her. He knows it wasn't normal, but he really thinks his father's never wanted this to happen. Or maybe he did.  
"He didn't have much choice... I mean, he was drunk. He probably wasn't aware..."  
"Dean, you shouldn't justify your parents for letting his abuse you. Their responsibility is to keep you safe and they didn't. You understand what I'm trying to say?" He shakes his head, because he honestly has no idea. Why she's trying to persuade that his parents are bad people? Everyone's making mistakes. They maybe did a big one, but still.  
"Try to figure this out before our next talk, okay?"  
"Okay, thank you." He smiled and ran out the room, because he would finally see his baby brother and he just couldn't wait.

######  _Castiel_

He is laying on cold bathroom floor, covered in his own blood. Blade's still shining in his hand as he crawls towards the door. He wants to scream, but he can't find his voice. He didn't mean to kill himself just yet, it just sort of happened. And now he is wondering if there's anything he can do to make it stop. He only manages to unlock the door before he fells deep into darkness. He truly hopes someone would find him soon.

Gabriel took day off of work, because he is still slightly drunk after all night party. He dreams about cold shower and something to eat, preferably a cheeseburger. He heads straight to the bathroom, only to find it locked.  
"Come on, Cassie! Why aren't you in school already?!" He knocks too loud for his own pleasure, his head burning with every sound. "Get out already!"  
There is a long silence and Gabriel starts to feel anxious. He thinks about boy's problems, but pushes this thoughts aside. There's no need to worry, not yet. Castiel will be fine, like always. He's a strong kid.  
"Cassie, please. Just open the door." He tries calmly, knowing that his brother's afraid of screams. He pushes the door a little bit, finding to his suprise they're open. And his brother is laying there unconscious, deep cuts covering his too skinny body. Blood is all over the floor, sink and mirror. Gabriel feels like he might throw up right away.  
"Castiel... Cassie, please. Wake up." He knows that's pointless, but he tried anyway. He notices boy moving slightly and immidiately reaches for his phone.  
"911, what's your emergency?"  
"My brother tried to kill himself. He's breathing, but there's a lot of blood."  
"Sir, calm down. I'm sending an ambulance right now. Do you know how --"  
"How to stop the bleeding? Yeah, I know. He's done this before. Please hurry." He throws the phone away, kneeling beside Castiel. He takes one of the clean towels and presses it to boy's skin, waiting for paramedics to come. He shouldn't be leaving him alone. He should be home and take care of him. And now the only thing he can possibly do is praying to God no to take his baby brother.

Castiel spends two days in the ICU before he's admitted to the Psychiatric Center for Children and Adolescents.

###  **Psychiatric Center for Children and Adolescents**

Dean is heading to his room after lunch, when he notices bunch of nurses near his door. He raises his eyebrow and starts to walk quicker. He really hopes that is some sort of mistake.  
"Hey, hey, calm down, sweetheart." It's doctor Masters' voice. She seems worried and Dean feels his heart flips. He slid into the room and what he sees make him feel sick.  
On the bed near window there is a young boy with unnaturally pale skin and sunken cheeks. He's wearing too big pajamas, but Dean caj easily see almost his whole body is covered in bandages. Doctor Masters is sitting by his said, petting his black hair. Boy's breathing hard, eyes shut, and he is shivering from cold or maybe fear.  
"It's okay, honey... We will give you some blankets, but I need you to calm down. Take a deep breaths."  
Boy tries to sit, but fails completely, his body obviously too weak to hold him up. He hisses and Dean realizes that he's pulled the drip out of his arm. It has to hurt. Doctor Masters sends one of the nurse a weird look and the next minute boy is tied up to the bed as she's fixing the medicine.  
"I don't want..." His voice is wrecked like he hasn't spoke for days. He's cheeks wet from tears and he suddenly looks straight at Dean. He has the bluest eyes Dean had ever seen in his life. They are beautiful, but also somehow broken as if boy kept there all of his secrets. He takes a step back, touchig cold wall behind him, but never broke eye contact with young boy. Doctor Masters turns his head, trying to figure out what caused her new patient to calm down.  
"Oh, hello Dean. This is your new roommate. His name's Castiel." She dries Castiel's face carefully, smiling. "We will leave you two alone soon."  
"I don't want this thing in my arm..."  
"I'm afraid you don't have a choice, sweetie. Your body's starving and we need to take care of that. I have to leave you tied up for today, I'm sorry."  
"No! No no no, I won't move, don't leave me like that, I won't do anything, I won't, don't leave me, don't, please, please!" His eyes widened in horror, but he stays still. He probably wants to show he doesn't need to be hampered.  
"I will watch him." Dean says shyly, sending Meg pleading look. He doesn't want this kid to be terrified all day.  
"Okay, I guess we can try that." She nods and nurse unties Castiel slowly, watching him closely. But boy just lays here, doesn't even move a finger. It seems like he's dead and Dean knows he really is in some way.

They were left alone about an hour ago and neither of them has said anything yet. Dean iss glaring at Castiel like he was a piece of art and younger boy's still laying in bed with eyes locked on drip in his arm.  
"You should get some sleep, kiddo. It'll help." Dean finally says, coming closer and wrapping thick blankets around boy's body careful no to touch him. He has no idea what this child went trough.  
"It never helps. Besides, if I won go to sleep they will give me some medicine. I prefer being drugged than feel this disgusting things dripping into my veins."  
"How do you know that?" Dean raises his eyebrows in shock. "You've been here before?"  
"Of course I have. I've been here for a long time actually."  
"How old are you...?"  
He is scared of the answer, because Castiel's just a freaking child. He shouldn't be here now, not to mention _before._  
" Thirteen. And to answer your next question: my previous hospitalisation took place when I was four. And yes, I know. I shouldn't be here." He says quietly, voice full of pain. Dean opened his mouth, but before he has a chance to say anything boy speaks again, even quieter than second ago. "I should be long dead."  
"Hey, don't you dare saying things like that! There are people who want to help you, but you need to let them in. You're still young, everything can get better."  
He isn't sure if he truly believed this, but this boy is even younger than Sammy and wants to take away his own live. That's not normal and Dean feels the need to destroy the monster who's broke this beautiful human being. Castiel's cold laugh breaks into his thoughts.  
"You have no idea what you're talking about." He looks straight into Dean's eyes, not bother to blink. "Maybe you'll go out fixed, but I won't. I'll either cut my throat or starve myself to death and there's nothing you can do about it. So don't even try."


	4. The fourth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First kiss from both boys point of view.

######  _Dean_

Only two days have passed, but Dean and Castiel became almost inseparable. Dean only let younger boy out of his sight during their sessions with doctor Masters and meals. They don't eat eat together as Castiel still has to be feed by force. They don't let him exercise or even walk much, because his body was already so exhausted he can barely stand on his own. Dean begged him to eat once, but Castiel brushed him off.  
"You should stop ask me to do that if you want to be my friend." He said, so Dean remains quiet.

They are currently sitting on Castiel's bed, the only light comes from the Moon. Dean tugged Castiel into three thick blankets even though boy is wearing t-shirt and two sweaters. He's so skinny, Dean's worried that he might broke him.  
"Are you still cold? You're shivering."  
"I'm always cold, Dean. You should know by know." His voice is far to calm and emotionless for someone this young. He places his head on the man's shoulder, closing his eyes. His face white pale as usual, lips pink and dry. Dean knows Castiel has problem not only with food, but with fluids too. Including water. Man holds his weak body into his arms, pulling him closer. Protecting him from every bad in this world.  


"Sammy found himself a girlfriend, can you believe that? And they want to, y'know, have some fun. Now I have to admit he's not my baby brother anymore!"  
Castiel laughs, opening his eyes to look at his rommate. He loves to hear Dean's stories, probably because he doesn't have his own to tell.  
"Well, maybe because he's not. Bet you were younger when you lost your virginity with some girl."  
Castiel knows why Dean is here, but he doesn't care. He still makes comments like that and fun thing - Dean is completely fine with this. He likes the fact Cas doesn't treat him like some broken glass.  
"Well, actually... " He noticed boy's weird look and bursts into laugh. "Yeah, you got me. But I was different, I wasn't 'pure' anyway."  
"I don't believe that really matters. If Sam's happy with this girl, there's nothing wrong with having sex with her."  
"I sometimes forgot who's older in here, y'know?"  
Dean laughs again and notices soft smile on younger boy's face. It's truly beautiful view, because he didn't do that often. Actually, he barely has any emotion written on his face. But Dean figured out that everything's burried in Castiel's eyes so he's spending frightening amount of time staring in them.  


"Wish I ever know what is like to love someone."  
Dean frozes at this unexpected statement. Castiel doesn't talk about stuff like this out loud. Even if man is fully aware they won't see each other ever again after going out from hospital, he hates hearing about Castiel plans to kill himself soon.  
"You could. Besides, I thought you love your siblings?"  
"Family's different, Dean. I would like to... Kiss someone, I don't know. Cuddle, make love. Sleep in the same bed and wake up together. Cook dinner."  
Dean pulls him even closer, nuzzling his  hair.  
"In fact, we're cuddling and sleeping in the same bed, Cas." He jokes shyly, not knowing how boy will react. Castiel is processing something for couple of minutes, before sitting straight. He's glaring at Dean with this bluest eyes on earth making man feels dizzy.  


"Will you kiss me? Just to demonstrate, I don't expect you to fall in love."  
_"If he only knew you already did that. You fucking pedophile."_  
He wants to say no, but he caught himself nodding instead. Castiel titling his head a little on one side in his adorable habit and Dean feels oddly hot.  
" I have no idea what to do."  
"Don't worry, I'll show you. Just, em... Maybe we should lay down, it will be more comfortable. "  
He shouldn't said that, but he really wants Castiel's small body laying under his strong one. Boy lays down immediately, eyes still lockes on him. Dean positions himself above him - kneels on both sides of his hips, hands holding his face still. First kiss is quick, not quite enough for either of them. But Dean manages to found out Castiel's mouth tastes like a pure heaven. So he's kissing him again, more passionate this time. Boy starts to breathe heavy underneath him as he licks his lips before sliding inside. Castiel moans weakly and lets Dean exploring every part of his mouth and teeths.  
Suddenly boy's hand is on his chest, pushing him away. Dean doesn't quite understand what he did wrong, maybe Cas didn't like it at all? "_Of course he didn't, you stupid slut._"  
" Nurse." Boy states quietly, probably readig Dean's expression. He smiles a little and man feels his heart skipps a bit - he's so fucking screwed.

  


######  _Castiel_

Castiel has honestly no idea why he lets Dean became his friend. It's not like he was admitted to the hospital in order to make friends - he was there to stay _alive_. But they were spending almost every minute together and Castiel can't force himself to complain. It feels nice to be protected and watched by someone so selfless and good as Dean. And they've talk so much that after two days Castiel knows almost everything about Dean and Dean knows most of Castiel's story. 

Sitting on the bed at night quickly became their routine. They prefer Castiel's bed, because it was closer to the window so they have at least a little bit of light. Boy enjoys glaring at Dean - his perfectly symethrical face covered in freckles and this beautiful green eyes. Dean's smiling a lot for someone with his backround, but Castiel couldn't be more grateful for this. Dean's smile is refreshing. 

"Are you still cold? You're shivering." Boy forces himself back into reality only to find himself tugged in soft blankets nurses gave him on his first day here. He is cold, in fact, but he stopped noticing that long time ago.  
"I'm always cold, Dean. You should now by now." He replies simply, letting his head rests on man's shoulder. It feels so heavy and he's so tired, and weak, and he wants to sleep forever. He's being hold tight, strong hand on his waist and the other touching his tigh if not by thick materials. It's the closest to safety he's ever had.  


"Sammy found himself a girlfriend, can you believe that? And they want to, y'know, have some fun. Now I have to admit he's not my baby brother anymore!"  
Castiel raises his head to look at Dean and laughs a little. He's always intrested in Sam's live, since it's so painfuly normal comparing to his own. Also because he hasn't had any visitors yet and he knows it will stay that way. Lucifer probably forbid any form of contact with him.  
"Well, maybe because he's not. Bet you were younger when you lost your virginity with some girl."  
He has to add the last part, seeing that well - Dean had some shitty experience with man as well. Castiel knows that, but he also knows that avoiding the topic will only make it worse in the end. He's been there so many times, he finally learned this one thing.  
"Well, actually... " Boy gives Dean doubters look right before he hears him laughing. "Yeah, you got me. But I was different, I wasn't 'pure' anyway."  
"I don't believe that really matters. If Sam's happy with this girl, there's nothing wrong in having sex with her."  
He truly believes that. It doesn't matter how bad your past has been if you find this one person you love. _Gosh, he wants to have this person so bad sometimes._  
" I sometimes forgot who's older in here, y'know?"  
Castiel can't help gentle smile as he hears Dean's laugh once again. Older boy is so perfect Castiel has a hard time believing somebody really wanted to hurt him. In his mind it's completely riddiculous.  


"Wish I ever know what is like to love someone."  
He whispers, watching as Dean frozes under weight of his words. He shouldn't have said this, but Dean's the only person who actually listens to him. Castiel is completely aware Dean doesn't want him dead at any point and that he wats to help him _so goddamn much_ it kills him inside. And he would do anything to stop that, but he had to end his life at some point. And it will be rather sooner than later.  
" You could. Besides, I thought you love your siblings?"  
"Family's different, Dean. I would like to... Kiss someone, I don't know. Cuddle, make love. Sleep in the same bed and wake up together. Cook dinner."  
He would give up everything to have that. To have that with Dean. _What?_ He suddenly feels himself closer to Dean's warm body and notices boys nose burried in his hair. _What's going on here?_  
" In fact, we're cuddling and sleeping in the same bed, Cas."  
_What the fuck is going on here?_ Dean seems somehow ashamed and Castiel isn't sure how he should respond. Of course they cuddling. And they are also sleeping in the same bed since Dean's having a nightmares every time he closes his eyes, but they never talk about it. They are also taking showers together sometimes if Dean's favourite nurse allow them. And Castiel wants Dean to want him, but he knows he's too young and to damage.  


He finds himself staring at this beautiful freckled face, so he blurts out toughtlessly.  
"Will you kiss me? Just to demonstrate, I don't expect you to fall in love."  
_I want you to fall in love and save me._  
He's truly suprised when Dean nods, but he keeps all the feelings inside. He tilts his head to one side, admiring the emerald green in Dean's eyes.  
" I have no idea what to do."  
"Don't worry, I'll show you. Just, em... Maybe we should lay down, it will be more comfortable. "  
His voice is raspy and deep and Castiel feels pleasant warm in his abdomen as he gets comfortable on bed on his back. He also feels strong urge to put his legs around Dean's waist and pull him as close as possible. It's strange, he's never felt this way before. He was _never_ horny before. But he stays still and Dean's hands are soon on his face.  
At first their lips locked only for a second and Castiel can't help a huge dissapointment passing by his mind. He wants a lot more. Dean's lips are far softer than they look and they taste like honey. _And this honey is freaking delicious._ Then Dean kisses him again and Castiel's already so turned on he can't control his breathing. He registers man's tongue inside his wet mouth and he hears himself moaning. It feels so good, _so right_ that he could stay like this forever.  
But then he hears some noise very close to their door and pushes Dean away, maybe a little bit too rough. He usually hates his anxiety because of this fucking sensory overload thing, but right now he's really grateful for having this. Because if someone could see their kiss, Dean would be in a big, big trouble.  


" Nurse." He explaines, seeing Dean's worried eyes on his face. He sends him sweet smile to get man know he actually liked what they just did. And he hopes they'll do it again soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything and all mistakes are mine of course.


	5. The fifth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel gets his diagnosis and Dean surely doesn't feel very well.

######  _Castiel_

Castiel wakes up the next morning with strong hands around him, squizzing a little bit to hard. He can almost feel his bones crushing and then he hears that. Dean's talking in his sleep again. Castiel knows man didn't sleep well - or practically didn't sleep at all, because two hours of nightmares can't really be called "sleep".  
"Mommy, please... Don't let him do this, it hurts!" Dean diggs fingers into Castiel's skin right above his abused hip. "Please, please, I'll be a good boy."  
Dean is crying now and Castiels feels his grip became even more paintful. But he stays still, seeing that Dean need him and he can't let him down. Otherwise he will surely leave. _He can't leave._ Boy's gently stroking Dean's hair wanting so bad to make it better, even though he doesn't know how.  
" Dean, you're safe now... He can't hurt you. Wake up for me, please wake up." He whispers desperately when Dean's breath suddenly becomes sharp. It's not the first time Castiel has to deal with this kind of situation. He asked Dean to take some sleeping pill - it should help, but Dean doesn't want to hear about this. He doesn't want to relay on any kind of drugs unless he really has no choice. Perks of growing up with an alcoholic, probably.  
"Mommy, mommy help me!" Dean lets go of him, waving his hands like he's trying to free himself of something. Castiel almost cries, he's so overwhelmed an helpless. He would do anything, _anything_ to took this burden from Dean's shoulder. He's been through so much already he can take it. He can take it and Dean can't. Dean is good, he's loving and caring, and he would do everything for his little brother. And he deserves much better. He deserves a normal, apple pie life with Sam and maybe a wife. Most important - he doesn't deserve to live with knowledge that his parents know and don't care enoguh to stop it. _They didn't do anything to fucking stop this._  
Castiel would and he **will** give them a tongue-lashing if he ever meet them. He will scream how hard they've damaged their son. Because Dean is weak, he's still this four year old child and he can't defend himself. _He still loves them._  
" I will never leave you, Dean... It's okay, you are okay. I won't let anything happen to you. I love you so much." He whispers right into Dean's ear, before noticing doctor Masters. She shouldn't have heard that. _Oh God._  
" Put some clothes, Castiel. I think we need to talk."  
Castiel takes a deep breath, but obediently do what she asked. He hopes that she'll understand. She's psychiatrist after all, right? She was taught to understand. 

They are sitting in her office, Castiel's eyes locked on his knees. He is afraid to look at her, scared of what she thinks about him. His skin itches again and he wants... _he needs_ so bad to cut himself, burry a sharp knife deep into his skin and cut until he bleeds so much he would fall on the floor. _He needs a knife._  
" Are you thinking about hurting yourself right now, Castiel?"  
"Yes." He answers simply, because it's not a big secret.  
"You shouldn't. I believe you really think you love Dean."  
"I love him. I do."  
"Sweetheart... You only know each other for three days, isn't that too soon? I know you understand why I'm worried. But that's okay. I wanted to talk about something else right now. I have a diagnosis for you. "  
Castiel is just sitting here, completely confused. He has the same condition for years, plus his eating problem, but what else changed? He is the same he was when he was first admitted here. Maybe his last doctor was incompetent?  
"Have you heard about borderline personality disorder?" He shakes his head. "Well... I believe that may be the cause of your other problems. People with BPD are known to emotionally unstable: they're oversensitive to feelings of rejection, criticism, failure and also terrified of abandonment. I've noticed you shut all this bad emotions down, because you can't bear them. Self harm, suicide thoughts and eating disorders are sympthoms. While most patients with this disorder are impulsive - you mostly feel the need to control every aspect of your life. What is completely understandable considering you relationship with Lucifer. You also told me you're not sure what you like or what you want in your life, you have problems with making any decision by yourself. Now... What bothers me the most and what I saw today. Castiel, your love for Dean is caused because he was nice to you. And I am fully aware you haven't meet many nice people in your life, but you have to think about this. I know Dean's your friend, but you don't love him. Don't get too involve, because that will be toxic for both of you. Can you promise me you will at least try, honey?"  
"I... I'm sorry, I don't think I can."

######  _Dean_

When Dean woke up alone in Castiel's bed, he starts to freak out. He has no idea for how long he was asleep, but he probably had a nightmare. Again.  
_You hurt him and they had to take him away._  
No no no. It's impossible. He would never hurt Cas. And even if - they would woke him up! Right?  
_They saw you kissing him..._  
No. They didn't.  
_The way you look at him..._  
No.  
_They know and you won't see him again. They'll send you right to the jail and Sam will hate you._

Dean's suddenly on the floor, covering his ears even if it's not going to help. He should go to Doctor Masters, he needs his pills so bad, but he can't move. He hears a dark laugh, His laugh and it's too much to handle. Dean stands up, throwing Castiel's bed on the wall. The entire bed.  
_If you're that strong, why haven't you stop him?_  
He couldn't, because he was just a child. Just a scared, little child.  
_But you're not anymore. Haven't been for a while._  
He couldn't stop Him.  
_Of course you could. But you're just a whore._  
It's so real that Dean can see his father right in front of him, standing side by side with the man who broke him and ruined his life. He is so angry he would broke the window if it wasn't made from the armored glass. So he tries to destroy a bed frame and kill John and Him even though he's fully aware they aren't really here. 

He notices Castiel standing in the door surrounded by nurses and doctor Masters.  
_He bring them to get you._  
" Dean... Please, calm down. Nobody's gonna hurt you."  
Boy's voice is calm like he's just making small talk with his friend. Dean finds it hilarious and started laughing. Castiel ignores Meg's warning completely and kneels right beside Dean, pulling him into a hug. He doesn't hold him very tight, but it's still comforting in some way.  
"They will give you some medicine now, okay? You understand? "  
"I'm not stupid! " It's an impulse, habit he has because of the years of feeling worthless. But before he can fully register, Cas is already on the floor.  
_Well done, Dean! You hit him._  
No.  
" Cas... Cas, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." He finds himself unable to speak and he doesn't know if it's inasmuch quilt or the shot he's recevied. Nurses are holding him still while doctor Masters helps Castiel stands.  
"I should have listened, I know." He says, whiping blood from his nose. Dean can already see the forming bruise on his pale face.  
_Your fault._  
" Yes, you should. We will move you to separate rooms for now. But first, you will go with nurse and he will take care of your nose."  
Separate rooms. He will never see Castiel again.  
_Of course, he wouldn't want to see you anyway._  
One of the nurse forces Cast out of the room, but Dean manages to hear the four words he has been waited for his whole life. 

" I forgive you, Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little shorter chapter this time, but I will update again soon.


	6. The sixth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First apparence of Sammy and some flashbacks from Castiel's childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Little Castiel terrible grammar is there on purpose*

######  _Dean_

They wouldn't let him leave his room with the exeption of going to the bathroom, but even then he has to be supervised. He's sleeping mostly and when doesn't he's still so drugged he barely has any idea what's going on around him. He hasn't seen Sammy in almost a week. And he hasn't seen Cas in days. He's all alone again, like he used to be for his whole life.  
"_You're so weak, boy._"  
Doctor Masters decides on Sunday that it's time to finally untie him and reduce the dose of sedatives, but he still has to take pills for his delusions along with antipsychotics. _Anti-fucking-psychotics._ He came here to deal with PTSD, he isn't some psycho.  
"_Oh, you are. And you always will be._"  
" Dean, are you with me? Can you hear me?" Doctor Masters is sitting on his bed, holding his hand. Druggs are slowly leaving his body so he gained some consciousness, but not enough to create a sentence. He nodds instead, squizzing her hand just a little bit. He doesn't want her to think he's still agressive.  
"Sam came to visit you. He said he won't go this time until you two talk."  
"Sammy...?" He rasps, voice weak and broken. He wants to see his little brother. His baby, perfect little boy with avbright future. His only reason to exist. His only light when he was drowing in darkness.  
"Wanna see Sammy... " He mumbles, not sure if she can understand his words. But she obviously did, because she smiles at him. Her smile is nice and she is almost pretty from where he's laying.  
"_Not as pretty as Castiel, huh?_"  
No one was as pretty as Castiel, he has to admit. Castiel's looking fragile, almost femine with his pale, soft skin and pink lips. His eyes are like the entire ocean was locked in his eyeballs. His hair, his sex-fucking-hair makes Dean thinking about how would it be like to pull them hard during sex.  
"_You're thinkig about sex with a child, congratulations._"  
" I will bring him here, okay? I don't want you to stand up just yet."  
"Mhm... Just wanna Sammy."

He manages to sit up, leaning his back against the wall behind. He wants to see his little brother. He has to make sure he's still okay.  
"Dean... Good to see you, man."  
Sam almost run towards him, pulling him into a tight hug. He feels tears on his cheeks and realises he was crying.  
"Sammy... How are ya?"  
"It's great, actually. I'm staying at Bobby's right now, he says hi by the way. And I'm... Em, we did it with Jess. It was perfect, I think. I really like her."  
Dean smiles, completely honest like he always does when he's with his brother. Sammy is okay. Sammy is great! And he is in his first real relationship.  
"Dean, I... I saw hi--"  
"Don't Sammy. I'mma so happy for you, y'know? So glad you're good... Please just talk to me about something nice. "  
Sam nodds, but he looks sad. And Dean can't blame him. He knows Sam wanted to go to the police, but Dean can't do it. It's the only thing Dean can't give him. And it breaks his heart every time.  
"I've heard about your friend, Dean. He seems like a good boy."  
"Yeah, he's... He's kinda cute. It's hard to watch him in this place, he's younger than you. And he has no one."  
"I worried about you, you know? Please take care of yourself first. I know you think he has it worse, but it's not true. What this son of a bitch did to you was bad enough."  
"I know, Sammy. But I can take care of both of us."  
Sam sends him a questionable look, but doesn't say another word. He can't possibly argue with Dean, he won't win anyway.  
"Are you seeing Jess tonight?"  
"Yeah... We're going on a date."  
"You should take her some place nice for a weekend. There's a white envelope with money in my nightstand at Bobby's. Take some."  
This money are prepared to rent some apartment for both of them, but Sam doesn't need to know that. Dean only wants him to be happy, he can always make more money later. Bobby surely let him work at the garage again, when he finishes his treatment. He's like a father to them. A better one. He helped Dean so many times, taking care of Sam or when Dean was tired of his parents' fighting and needed some place safe. Bobby even has separate room for them and one bigger for when they were younger and used to sleep in the same bed. And Dean knows Bobby blames himself for not knowing earlier. He thinks he let his boy down, but Dean never thought that. He loves Bobby almost the same as he loves Sammy. He helped him even if he wasn't aware. He helped him when his parents pretend nothing's happened. And yet Dean still begged Bobby to stay away from them and Him as well, when he's told the man why he's going to the hospital.  
"I still have the money you gave me, I don't need more. But... Well, I was looking for something to rent and there are few really nice places. You'll like them. Jess told me he could ask her father to go and take a look with me, but I would like to go with you."  
"Sure, Sammy. I think I'll be home soon. The therapy's working, excluding this... Breakdown. I will still need to see Doctor Masters once in a while, but we could finally live together. You could focus on your study, you nerd."  
Sammy laughs and it was like a music in Dean's ears. His brother wants to live with him. And he even started looking for apartaments! Dean honestly can't be more happy than he is right now. He wanted that for so long, he wanted that since the day He put his filthy hands on his body. His parents house's carrying too many paintful memories and the last thing Dean wants is to live with Bobby for the rest of his life. Bobby already gave him a job and he lets Sam live with him for now. That is enough to take. Dean doesn't want him to deal with Sammy's mood swings or Dean's girls at nights. "_Or Cas with his legs spread wide on his bed._"  
Or Cas with his legs spread wide on his bed.  
What?

 

######  _Castiel_

" Castiel, I believe it's the right time to talk about Lucifer."  
He's sitting in a comfortable chair, knees touching his chin. He is looking somwhere far away like he's not completely present. But Meg knows he is, she always somehow knows. He likes her, because she's always making sure not to speak too loud, seeing that he is afraid of loud noises. He's afraid of a lot of things actually, but that's why they are giving him medication for anxiety. "You're anxious, Castiel. Not scared." she said someday and Castiel looked at her like she was an idiot. What's the difference?  
"I don't want to talk about him. I told you enough." He finally answers in his typical cold tone, not bearing any emotions. But he is a mess inside and he's afraid like if he starts to talk he would never ever be able to stop. It's so many things to say... Too many, so he decides to say nothing.  
"You've only told me that he hates you and he's frightening. That is not enough. I have to know what he did to you, Castiel. It won't work if you don't trust me."  
He sighs, aware that she is right.  
"Tell me what he did."

 

**9 years ago**

Castiel was in their backyard, playing catch with his older brother Gabriel. They were smiling, both sweaty because of the hot summer weather. Gabriel was almost fourteen, so he was fully capable of looking after his younger brother. Hannah often helped - they were almost the same age, but that day she had a sleepover in some friend's house. Neither Gabriel or Castiel minded, they really liked each others company. Castiel wanted to be just like his brother when he grows up.  
"Gabriel, do your homework. " They recognised this voice immediately as cold chill went through their spine. Castiel wanted to protest, but Gabriel was already gone. He had never disobeyed to Lucifer. No one ever had.  
"Where Mikey?"  
"Oh, he's not gonna save you, brother. He is still looking for father and you know why?"  
Of course he knew, he has heard that everyday since the day he was born.  
"Because you fucking killed her and made him leave!"  
He felt a sharp pain on his cheek, but tried to stay perfectly still. Lucifer hated fighting back and Castiel didn't want to make him angry. Not when he already was, furious with rage so strong Castiel thought he wouldn't be whole after that day. Man froced him to drop on his bruised knees before he put something around his neck. _Collar?_ Castiel guessed, not sure why his brother put a collar on him. How would it hurt him? But then he felt strong wrench and he ralized Lucifer's got him on a leash. It wasn't an actual leash, just a thick chain, but still. Man yanked Castiel near big tree far from the house, at the same fence.  
" Watcha doin'?"  
He was really scared at this point. Their house was standing away from the other ones, so even if he screamed nobody would hear. Nobody, but Gabriel, who was probably trying to get Michael on the phone.  
"You don't deserve to sleep in their home. I won't let you sleep there. "  
Lucifer chained him to the branch that Castiel couldn't even kneel without chocking himself. He started crying, but made sure to remain quiet. He didn't want to get into more trouble.

He's been there for six hours before Gabriel came. He seemed worried, truly worried, but Castiel was so tired he had to focus on standing straight with all his strength.  
"Cassie... I am so sorry, I so fucking sorry... " He held Castiel in his arms, letting boy's body rest for a while. "He will pay for this, you hear me? I'll make him pay for everything."  
They were just standing like this, neither of them said anything else. Castiel felt Gabriel's hot tears on his skin and that made him angry. Everyone were sad because of him. Lucifer was sad, because he killed mommy and then dad left. Michael was sad, because he had to take care of them and gave up his own dreams. Balthazar was so sad he moved out! And Hannah was sad, because she couldn't invite friends for sleepovers. Gabriel was sad, because he always had to watch and that was tearing him apart.  
"M'sorry, Gaby-eel." He said quietly, careful not to cry. "I didn' wan' to kill mommy."  
Gabriel froze and looked at his little brother. There was something in his eyes, but Castiel was too young to name it.  
"Don't you dare say that, Cassie. You didn't do it. You didn't kill anyone, do you understand me?" He was talking like if every word was burning a hole in his sould. Like if it was something very painful.  
"M'sorry. "  
"You can't be sorry... Please, little brother, don't be sorry. It's not your fault, I need you to understand it's not."  
"Luci's looking us from window. "  
Gabriel immediately took a step back, fear painted all over his face. Just then Castiel noticed his arms were covered in bruises.  
"I will call Michael again. I promise I will. I'm so sorry, Cassie." He said quickly, running towards the house and leaving Castiel's all by himself.

Michael arrived the next evening only to found his youngest brother half-contious, gripping the chain hard to stop himself from collapsing. He was much paler than usual.  
"Castiel, hang on. I got you. "  
Michael unchained and took him up. He was shiverig from cold and Michael knew that Lucifer hasn't feed him nor gave him any water. Castiel opened his eyes, trying to say something, but no words came out of his mouth.  
"Ssshh... I got you, it's okay now. You'll be okay. Just stay with me."  
"M'sorry, Mikey." He said quietly before he fell asleep in his brother's arms.

\--------------------------------------

"T-they sent me to the hospital few days later."  
"Why is that?"  
"Because they... They were screaming a lot when Lucifer came back home. "

\--------------------------------------

"What the hell were you thinking, Lucifer?! He's four for Christ's sake!"  
"He fucking killed her! I told her she should get rid off him when she still had a chance! Dad told her it will kill her!"  
"It was her decision and you should respect that! And dad is an asshole who left his own children!"  
"Because he couldn't look at him! And I can't either!"

Their voices were loud, _too loud_ and full of wild anger. Castiel crawled under the table and covered his ears. It didn't help, but that was all he could do. Gabriel and Hannah were still in school, and Balthazar was somewhere far away for over a year. There was no one to protect him.

" You could just tell me you don't want to stay with him and I wouldn't have leave! You could at least give him some food and water! He's a fucking child! You almost killed him!"  
"Oh, okay. I will give him some food!"

Castiel felt strong gripp on his ankle and Lucifer pulled him out of his hidding spot. He placed him on a chair and started to feed him. Or to be more precise: forcing food into his mouth. It was terrible and it hurt, and Castiel felt sick. He ended up puking all over the floor, because it was far more than he could possibly eat.  
"You stupid bastard! Lay a finger on him again and I will call the cops." Michael held him close when they were heading towards the bathroom. He let man to undress him and put him into a bath. Water was too hot, but Castiel was too busy with holding back tears to notice. It hurt. His stomach hurt and his throat hurt, and he decided he would never eat anything ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is longer and I hope better witten than the last one. Let me know what you think! All mistakes are still mine and I don't own (still) anything from the show.


	7. The seventh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all Castiel's POV, because I wanted the next one to be Dean's. There is some smut and much of self-loathing, so please be careful if this affects you in a bad way. I'm sorry for all mistakes, thank you so much for kudos. If you have any suggestions comments will be aprreciated.
> 
> *I'm uptading again, because I changed the ending slightly. Nothing much, but I'm more happy now.

It's been almost three weeks and he still didn't get a single phone call. He was hoping for any hearings from Gabriel or Michael at least, but there was nothing. He knows though that Michael is having long conversations with doctor Masters over the phone in the evenings. It's so typical, he isn't even mad. Michael always preferred keeping safe distans from Castiel after they sent him to the hospital for the first time. Maybe he's thinking he failed his little brother. Or maybe he is just tired having two full-time jobs and the whole house to carry. Castiel doesn't care, he just wants to know if he can come home after they let him out. _If_ they let him out.  
Meg became more suspicious over the last week and he guesses it has something to do with the fact he was separeted with Dean. And also with the fact she heard his love confession, when Dean was sleeping. They didn't talk about it after this one conversation they've had, gratefully. Castiel is avoiding any Dean-related topic and she pretends not to notice. She's still worried, _at least she tries to convince him she is_ , because he hasn't gained enough weight. Which in his case is definitely not good. Not that he really gives a shit. He doesn't understand why it's anybody's buissness what he's doing with his own body. Doctor Masters thinks it's all because Lucifer's abuse and his personality disorder, but why does it matter? He is the way he is and it's not going to change. There is no point in fighting.  
"What you think you're doing, Castiel?"  
He stands up immediately, hearing voice so familiar somewhere near the door. He was currently taking advantage of the time nurses shift has just ended and the next one doesn't arrive yet. That means he has five or maybe even ten minutes for himself - that's what he learned during his first hospitalisation.  
"Dean, it's not--" He sighs, seeing that Dean wouldn't believe him anyway. The situation they are in right now is too obvious. Castiel wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, while draining the water in the toilet. He finally turns his head to look at his best friend - Dean surely looks a lot better than the first time they've met. Even through the dark, Castiel is able to notice his posture is different and his body also seems more healthy. Boy is really happy for him, but even if Dean's getting better - Castiel's getting only worse. He's aware that Dean's improvement means only one thing - the end of their friendship and he isn't sure he will survive this. He hates goodbyes, he always have. He cried for over a month when Balthazar's decided to leave and they weren't even that close.  
"Y'know I will report you, right?"  
"You can't, please. You can't do this to me."  
"Do what? Stop you from killing yourself? This place should help you, you should go back home someday like I--"  
Castiel feels his heart breaking into a million pieces. Dean's leaving. It can't be happening, not right now. Just few more days, he needs few more days. Dean probably notices tears showing in Castiel's eyes, because he openes his mouth to say something.  
"No, Dean. Don't say that."  
"I'm so sorry, I came here to te--"  
"Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare! _You_ were supposed to help me, Dean! You can't leave me, I fucking hate you!" He feels his eyes burning and his cheeks are suddenly wet as he collapses onto the floor, hidding face into his hands. He's weak and helpless and he needs a knifer or a scissors, or anything else. " Stay away from me!"  
Dean stops in the mid-stride, raising his hands in surrender. Castiel can't even look at him. He knew it was going to end like this. He told Dean not to help. He told Dean to stay away. Why he didn't listen? Why _Castiel_ didn't listen his own words? Why does he have to be such an idiot? Maybe doctor Masters was right and he shouldn't have get involved so much. He should have listened. But he didn't, obviously he didn't, because he never does. He deserves the pain, maybe it's just the way he is. Some people might be born to suffer.

" I don't think I can do this anymore." He says weakly, eyes wide open. He is sitting on the cold floor, barely keeping himself from falling again. His gaze's focused on the man standing across the room. His face is hide in darkness, but Castiel is still able to see the color of his eyes. They are green like a fresh grass and they're the only reason he wasn't dead. Not yet.  
He feels awful for telling this words, of course. But what was the point of fighting anyway? It's not like he was going to win. There is _no way_ he was going to win. Not against his worst enemy who happened to be himself.  
" If you say so, I should probably shot myself in the head then."  
Castiel knows it's sick, but he catches himself considering this for a while. It would be great to end his life along with Dean, his perfect Dean. But then reality hits him in the face and he remembers Dean has family, he has his little brother and he has his own life outside the hospital. He would be no better than the monster who hurt Dean if he ask him to run away from it.  
"No, Dean... You can't, your brother needs you."  
"And what about you? I need you, Cas. Your family needs you." He must see look on Castiel's face, because he quickly adds. "Maybe not Lucifer, but he's not your family. Family cares about each other and it doesn't have to be blood. You are my family too, Cas. I wish you saw that. I wish you saw you deserve so much more."  
Dean moves, kneeling in front of the boy before pulling him into a hug. He gently kisses his forehead and hair, holding him tight like he's afraid Castiel may break in no time. Castiel wants to believe his words, but he can't. It's not that easy to erase all that destructive thoughts out off your head, especially when they've been there for years.  
"I'll be here everyday or even two times a day, if you need me to." He whispers into Castiel's ear, his voice soft and soothing. Boy can't help, but curled closer in man's warm body, placing in head under Dean's chin. He feels safe, just like he used to when they were sharing the same bed. He would do anything to do it again sometime, he doesn't know how to sleep alone anymore. He needs Dean by his side and he starts to think that maybe Dean needs him too. At least in some way.  
"I didn't mean it when I said I hate you..." Castiel feels really ashamed of his words. He doesn't know if Dean will forgive him - it's irrational fear, he's aware of that, but he's still holding his breath until Dean smiles gently.  
"I know you didn't. Now come on, you need some rest."  
Dean takes him up, heading straight to Castiel's room. He carefully puts him on the bed, tugging him in blankets and duvet. Then he lays beside, kissing boy's forehead once again.  
"You have to promise me you'll at least try to get better. No more puking and no more straching your scars. I know it makes you feel better, but it's only temporary, isn't it?"  
"Yes." Castiel admits, wrapping his hands around Dean's neck. "Promise."  
"I won't get mad if you fail, just keep trying if it happens."  
"Okay, Dean. I will try." He says quickly, before leaning in to kiss Dean. When their lips met it's better than the last time and Castiel let go a soft moan straight into Dean's parted mouth. It takes a while before Dean relaxes and when he finally does Castiel decides it was worth waiting. Dean's now on top of him, bedclothes laying forgotten on the floor. Castiel feels hot hands under his too big t-shirt and he starts feeling anxious. He's not familiar with this kind of touch.  
"It's alright, just relax." It's all it takes to get boy more comfortable, particulary when Dean's placing wet kisses all over his exposed throat. His body reacts on his own and he finds himself lifting his hips up. He whimpers when he meets Dean's erection on his way. He's never felt so proud like the moment he realises he was the one who made Dean this excited. Castiel places both of his legs around Dean's waist, pulling him even closer than they already were. Soon enough Dean starts rubbing against his body, his moves fast and desperate. Castiel tries to convince himself it was because they were still in the hospital, but he knows that it was about something else too. He wasn't thinking about this for long though, since the pleasure was soon too overwhelming to think at all. He feels something weird building in his abdomen and he's moaning loud, not able to stop.  
"You have to be quiet... " Dean covers boy's mouth with his hand, rubbing harder and leaving a single bite mark below his collarbone so it'll be easy to hide. Castiel soon copletely loses control over his body as his underwear suddenly becomes wet and sticky. He's breathing hard, feeling his muscles relax and his vision going blank for a second. After that he's just laying there, letting Dean use him the way man obviously needs. After a minute or so Dean freezes, groaning queitly before he falls on top of Castiel, careful enough no to crush him.  
"Dean... Are you okay?" His voice is far more wrecked than he has expected. He's too tired to open his eyes, but he's almost sure Dean is smiling weakly. He feels wet kiss on his arm and then Dean collects blankets from the floor to wrap them around their bodies.  
"Yeah... Yeah, Cas, I'm good."


	8. The eighth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV only. Mostly some happy moments, but quilty Dean is present as well. And well, I fell in some kind of trans and it's possible that the next chapter will be up this evening. Feel free to comment and write some suggestions if you have any. I'm sorry for all mistakes like always and hope you'll enjoy this one.

######  _Dean_

They're laying like this for hours, so many hours that sun is already shining. Dean lost his sense of time and he can't really focus on anything right now. Anything, but small skinny body underneath his own and massive wet spot on his boxers and probably jeans too. How could he let this happen?  
_"You are just like him. A fucking monster and nothing else."_  
Castiel was only thirteen. Thirteen! He was barely a teenager, not to mention being legally capable of any sexual relationship. Dean is fully aware he will go to jail if anyone finds out. And it will be much worse than admitting he was molested, because there will be much more questions. Has he done anything to Sammy? How many children has he touched?  
_"Why ain't he dead yet?"_  
He wants to apologise, but he's sure Cas would panic if he does. The kid is completely blinded by his imagination of Dean and Dean has no idea what to do with this. He feels like Castiel would do anything for him, even if it would be the last thing he wants. Even if he would get hurt. Even if he would end up dead. **Especially if he would end up dead.** He kisses Castiel gently on forehead. Boy's skin is pale and cold like always, but he can't miss light flush on his cheeks. He smiles a little bit when he openes his eyes to look at Dean.  
" I'm sorry I fell asleep... "  
"Don't be. I didn't mean to wake you, but I gotta go now." He says apologetically, carresing Castiel's cheek with his fingers. He feels so guilty, but he doesn't want boy to notice. Castiel is really unpredictable and Dean's afraid he will hurt himself. So he kisses him again, on his pink and still bruised lips, before he stands up. He looks down and with relief states his jeans are looking fine. The sticky mess inside isn't very comfortable though, but he can take care of it at home.  
"Oh... Right. Um... I'm glad you are better." Boy shifts oddly on his bed, looking everywhere but at Dean and Dean knows he didn't believe him. He thinks Dean is leaving and they will never see each other again. But Dean would never let this happen, he can't. Castiel is still so young, so vulnerable and needs to be protected. He deserves a real older brother.  
_"That's why you almost fucked him last night?"_  
" I was serious, Cas. I will come here everyday to see you. And then you should move in with me and Sammy." He didn't mean to say that. **He really didn't mean to say that.** But Castiel's eyes widens in shock and he doesn't know how to take it back. He probably can't take it back at this point.  
" Dean, I... I don't think Sam would be pleased with that arrangement."  
"I can ask, but you will think about this, huh?" Dean's pulling him into a hug and his body freezes for a moment as Castiel leans in to kiss him. This kiss is sloppy and deep, and after few seconds Dean founds out his tongue is exploring Castiel's mouth again. He once again feels this strong urge to bend Cas over the bed and fuck him hard when on the other side he wants to take his time and just make love. But he can't do either of this, so he gently pushes boy away.  
"We will do more of this at home, but not here." He didn't mean to say this one too.  
"I'm going to miss you, Dean."  
"I'm going to miss you too, Cas."

Sammy is waiting for, leaning against shiny black Chevy Impala '67. He looks relaxed and Dean couldn't be more happy. Sammy's okay. He's good. There are no marks, which Dean knows He loves to leave. He didn't hurt Sammy. He didn't touch his little brother. It's really good.  
"You want to drive?" Boy is not even waiting for an answer before tossing the keys into his hand. They place themselves in the frontseat and Dean has to close his eyes for a second. He's going home. He's going to live with Sammy and...  
**Cas.**  
" Heya, Sammy, I think I... Emm, I have to tell you something."  
Sam turns his face to look at him. He looks concerned and his eyebrows are raised. Dean sudenly feels really hot and he swears he starts sweating. How he's suppose to say it? Sammy doesn't even know the kid! He takes a deep breath, calming down his racing heart. It's all good. No panic.  
"You remeber Cas? I mean, you didn't meet him, but--"  
"Yeah, I remember. What's up with him?"  
"I kinda... Um, I might have suggested he should live with us."  
"What?!" Dean wants to tugg himself like six feets underground. At least. He was totally expecting Sam to freak out, but it is still... Weird? Scary? Well, he doesn't like this feeling, whatever it is.  
"Of course he won't if you don't agree. But look... He's in pretty bad shape. You should have seen him, Sammy... He's just a child, he deserves a normal life just like you do."  
"Okay, okay. I get it, Dean. You want to help that kid, but what about his parents? Or siblings, or whatever? Did you ask them? Did you ask your psychiatrist? I don't want to see you in that place again and if he's really that bad--"  
"He's just lost. Believe me, I know him. He's just a scared, lost kid. It won't... Triggered me or anything to have him close. He has completely different problems than mine."  
Boy sighs and Dean knows he will probably need some time to think about this. So he starts to drive, not home, but staright to Bobby. He wants to see this old man, his _real_ father and thank him for taking care of Sam. Maybe they can stay for a while before Dean will be ready to face his parents. He isn't sure how he would react if he meet Him there today by accident.   
" I should meet him first." Car stops in front of Bobby's house and Dean sends his brother a puzzled look. "Castiel. I should meet him before I decide."  
"Oh... Yeah, sure. We should visit him tomorrow. I'll pick you up after school."  
Sam simply nods before running towards the front door. Dean lets himself laugh, shaking his head from boy's silliness. He can believe that Sam is still so normal and so happy, even after all he's been through. Maybe it wasn't as bad as Dean's childhood (or lack of it), but still - they have the same father and he wasn't a very nice man. Dean finally understood just recently why doctor Masters was talking this terrible things about his parents. It's because they are bad. Maybe not like an actual bad people, but they were definitely bad parents. He remembers the time when Mary was still trying to be a good mother, but it was before Sam. When Sammy was born and John lost his job she was forced to get two jobs and she wasn't even home anymore. Dean raised his baby brother the best he could, because John was usually in some bar and He didn't care about anything, but Dean. Or Dean's body, to be precise.

"C'mere boy, y'look great!" He is pulled in tight hug right after he walks inside. He feels car oil and some alcohol, probably whiskey. Bobby's beard tickles his neck, but hugs back, closing his eyes. He missed this man and he will be always grateful for what Bobby did for them. They would be long starving or Dean wouldn't be there at all if he wasn't around.  
"Hey Bobby, good to see ya."  
"Hope so, ya idjit. I've bought you a pie, thought you will prefer relaxing day over welcoming party. But Ellen said she will throw some anyway on weekend."  
"That's fine. Thank you."  
He sits with Sam and Bobby on the couch in front of old TV. Doctor Sexy is on and Dean knows Sammy must have told man everything about his celebrity crush. The three of them watches the show in silence, eating cherry pie which almost taste like homemade. And Dean is glad he's finally home.


	9. The ninth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sammy meets Castiel, part 1.

######  _Sam_

He is waiting on the parking lot, turning his head to every direction in order to notice his older brother. He asked Jess to give him some time with Dean, so she decided to go with her friends for some shopping. They are happy together - and everyone say they also look good - and Sam is really hoping it will stay this way. He already told her all about his family and about Dean being in hospital, but he didn't want to reveal any details, because it wasn't really his place to decide who knows. He's sure Dean thinks the fewer people knows the better and Jess respects that. That's one of the many reasons why he loves her so much, even if they are a couple for a month.  
"Hey boy, need a ride?" His brother's voice breaks into his thoughts. Sam quickly slids into a car, looking at Dean with curiousity. He looks a lot better than before the hospital, but now Sam can clearly see that he's nervous. Sam wonders if it's because they are going back to the hospital or it's the fact he is going to meet Castiel. Boy has no idea what's going on beetwen Dean and this kid, but there is something odd in the way Dean talks about Castiel. He hopes to figure this out after today.

"So, umm... He's afraid of loud noises, so be careful. And, ehm, don't freak out when you see him."  
"Why would I?"  
Dean doesn't answer, just gets out of the Impala and heads straight to the hospital. They enter a closed branch and Sam suddenly starts to feel a little bit nervous too. There are so many children here and they don't even look that bad. Of course, it's not about the look, but most of them looks just happy. Sam's sure it's because it's probably the first place they can feel safe and it makes him sick. Nobody deserves to have this fucked up life. They finally make it to the enormous room, which looks a lot like regular living room. There is an old couch, bunch of chairs and also a lot of tables placed near the windows. In the corner a black piano is standing and there is the only one person in the entire room, not including nurse standing by the wall.  
"Cas... I'm here."  
Boy immadietely stands up, running towards them and nuzzling into his chest. Sam uses this moment to take a close look at Castiel. His hairs are black and messy, they would look really nice if they weren't so matt and dry. He looks down and it's like a hard punch in stomach, because Castiel's clothes are **far** too big and the tag protruding from the sweater says they're size 00. His skin is almost white and Sam is able to see every vain through it. And when he finally breaks his hug with Dean he's staring at Sam with beautiful blue eyes frignteningly huge against his bony face. _How's this kid even alive?_ At least now Sam understands why Dean told him not to freak out. Castiel looks like a living death.  
" This is my brother Sammy. Sam, this is Castiel."  
Dean looks worried, his one hand's still wrapped around boy's waist, but his eyes are focused on Sam. He must have notice the way Sam face went pale and Sam feels embarrased. He doesn't know what happened to this boy and he shouldn't be here judging. This is not the right place.  
"Hello, Sam. Nice to meet you." Castiel's voice is childish - he expected that, but his tone is completely serious. He speaks quietly, almost too quietly, but slow and clear. Sam guesses he probably doesn't like to repeat himself.  
"You too. I-I've heard a lot about you."

######  _Castiel_

" Okay, maybe we should take a seat, huh?" It's Dean who finally breaks the silence. He seems stressed and Castiel wonders if it's because he wants his little brother to like him. He smiles at this thought, pretending not to notice terrified looks Sam keeps sending in his directions. He's fully aware how he looks, but he still thinks it's only his own concern. He sits on the couch with Dean and Sam places himself in the comfortable armchair in front of them. He observes as Castiel's and Dean's hands are almost touching and Castiel feels his cheeks burning. He doesn't know how much Dean told Sam and he definitely doesn't want to be the one who reveal their little secrets.  
"Can I... Can I ask you some questions, Castiel? I'd like to know you if we will live together."  
"You can ask me about anything." Dean holds his hand now, carresing it gently with his thumb. Castiel feels chill went down his spine, but he keeps his eyes on Sam's face.  
"Why are you here?"  
"Sammy!" Dean hisses, probably trying not to raise his voice too much. Younger boy squizzes his palm and gives him a gentle smile. He's been expecting that one. Dean told him Sam is a curious kid and it's understandable he wants to know whom he's dealing with.  
"I believe you already noticed the obvious reason. But the main one was I've tried to kill myself. Well, I didn't mean to at first, but it's sort of happened." He rolls his sleves up a little bit, revealing fresh scars all over his forearm. "I usually don't... didn't do that in so visible places, but I was desperate."  
"Oh my God... Oh my God, you have more?"  
"Yes, I do have more. Most of them are on my hips and thighs."  
Castiel knows it weird to talk about things like this with such peace, but he isn't exactly ashamed of what he did. It helped him get through school and also with Lucifer, and he always found himself happier after he wash blood out of his body. Of course _happiness_ in his case was only illusion, seeing that he was never truly happy. Not even close actually. But cutting felt good, even though everyone keep telling him it's wrong. Everyone, except Dean, because Dean tries to understand. He wants Castiel to stop, but he know he can't force him to do it. It should be Castiel's decision alone.

Before Sam has chance to answer or ask his second question, Cas watches as the nurse walks in with a small glass of still water in his hand. They're always sending male ones, because he's much stronger than he looks and he's often having panic attacs.  
"Hi, Castiel. I have something for you." His voice is soft and quiet when he hands boy warm glass. They refused to give him anything cold, because his body is already covered in small hairs by the lack of fat which means it's not capable to keep itself warm. So he only eats warm food and drinks warm fluids. And he's disgused by both.  
"You promised, Cas..."  
Dean says carefully, feeling Castiel's body tense beside him. Boy takes a deep breath before he finally starts sipping the water. He's doing it slow and every sip burns his throat and leaves him broken. He doesn't want this. _He doesn't_ , but he promised Dean so he has to. He shoves half empty glass into Dean's hand and covers his mouth with a pillow.  
"It's not enough, Castiel. Give me that pillow or we will set up a drip again."  
He shakes his head, curling onto Dean's lap that his face resting against boy's lower stomach. He can't do it, it hurts too much. Why they can't understand that? It hurts! Not only his mind, but his body's also hurting. They should've left the first drip and they wouldn't have to go through all ot this shit. They should've teach them that in medical school.  
"Cas, it's okay. I know you don't want to. It's alright." Dean kisses his forehead and strokes his hair with his fingers. "But could you take just one more for me? Just one more, it'll be okay."  
His hands shaking when he sits up again, but he does what Dean asked him to. And before he realises he's emptying the whole glass. He didn't expect that at all. Althought Dean look pleased and even Sam is smiling from his chair. Nurse dissapears after giving Castiel a praise and boy's happy. He will leave with Dean soon and they will be together.  
If Sam agress.  
If... If Michael agrees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter, but I feel it was the right moment to end it. I'm still writing tho (and almost sleeping so my apologies for any stupid mistakes or missing letters!), so part two will be there soon. Probably on Monday, I quess.  
> Again, thank you so much for kudos and comments!


	10. The tenth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's going to an end, but it'll be a second part after Cas moves in with the Winchesters. Sorry for a short chapter again.

######  _Sam_

It's weird and also kind of cute, and Sam can't really decide what to think. Castiel definitely looks like he's in love with Dean, but Dean behaves just like a worried father. Sam's sure something happened in this hospital, but he doesn't have a courage to ask. Maybe he doesn't want to know at all. He watches as young boy crawls onto his brother's lap again, placing his head on Dean's chest. They would look like lovers if Castiel wasn't thirteen.   
"What do you want to do after they let you out?"  
Boy looks at Sam with shock written all over his face. He looks like he has never heard this question in his entire life. Which was actually sad - Sam remembers Dean asked him about that at least once a week when they were younger. Sam used to think it's because if he goes to college some day Dean will have to be the one to pay for it. He thought Dean just wants to be prepared. But right now he realises that kind of questions shows affection and care, and it's obvious Castiel didn't experience either.  
"I... Well, I didn't think I will live that long, but I would like to be a psychiatrist." Castiel finally answers, his voice shy and still quiet. He avoids Sam's eyes like he's ashamed of himself.  
"Wow, that's pretty ambitious. You will have to study a lot. You have tutors in here?"  
"Ye-yes, we have... You're not going to laugh at me?"  
Sam hears Dean's sigh and his brother kisses Castiel's forehead. Dean gives him a tired look which means it's always that way. Sam feels weird crush in his stomach - he used to his brother's low self-esteem, but at least Dean tries to hide it. Castiel is definitely a in guard mode 24/7, waiting for anyone to hurt him. And Sam finally understands why Dean cares so much. There's something in this kid. It's like he was an infant and you don't just leave infants on your own, right? You have to raise them.  
"Why should I? Psychiatrists are badasses. You wanna work with children? " Boy nodds and Sam sends him a wide smile. "Well, I'm gonna be a lawyer, so hope we will work together if some hurting kids son of a bitch will need to be punished."  
"Sammy, language."   
Dean is laughing now, stroking Castiel's hair gently. Boy is glaring at Sam like he doesn't believe what he just heard. He then turns his head to look at Dean. In that second he looks just like a regular child and Sam can't scrub smile off his face.  
"Can I call you Cas?"  
"Yy... Y-yes, of course..."  
"I guess you could live with us, Cas, but you have to get better first."

######  _Dean_

Dean is looking into Castiel's blue eyes, seeing for the first time that the boy is truly smiling. Not just polite, appropriate smile, but his eyes are smiling too this time and this is freaking awesome. He knew Sammy would agree for Cas to live with them, because it's hard to say no him. Like really hard, Dean definitely knows something about that. His thoughts wander to their kiss and to... Is this a hand on his crotch? He freezes, pushing Cas' palm away, careful to not be seen by Sam or a supervising nurse. He wants to explain, seeing that boy's face momentarily becomes sad again, but he's sure Sam would hear him. And he obviously can't let that happen.  
"We should go now, Sammy's got homework to do."  
And with this words Castiel looks like crying, but he stands up right away, keeping distance from Dean. This isn't a good thing. "_Now you fucked up, congratulations._" Dean turns his head towards Sam, sending him a meaningful look.  
" You mind giving us a second?"  
"Not at all." He smiles at Castiel,  waving him goodbye. "It was pleasure, see ya."  
Castiel nodds and waves back, but he says nothing. Dean think he must have hurt him, which actually suck, because he didn't mean to at all. For the first time he regrets he invite Cas to their home. Is this going to look like this all the time? Dean waits until his brother's out of sight and pulls Castiel into a tight hug. Boy tried to escape, but Dean is much stronger so he surrounds after a while.  
"Hey, don't cry. You just can't do that kind of things here or in front of Sammy. "  
"Okay."  
"Cas..." Man sighs, not sure what exactly he should say. Sorry? He didn't do anything, it's all in kid's head and Dean's sure he knows that very well. He won't encourage this type of behaviour.   
"It's fine. I'm not a child, you don't have to worry so much. I can take care of myself. "  
"Yeah, sure." Dean says sarcastically, kissing boy's chin. "Talk to Michael. I'm gonna watch some places with Sammy this week."  
"I don't know when they I'll be discharged, Dean. "  
"Well, I'm not going anywhere. "  
Castiel smiles a little at this statement and wraps his hands around Dean's neck. They are standing in silence for couple of minutes, before Dean finally takes a step back. Not that he really wants to, but Sammy's waiting for him outside. He kisses boy's chin once again - it's so much better to feel boy's lips so close to his. He wants to kiss Castiel properly and he hates himself because of that. _Thir-fucking-teen years old._  
" Gonna miss you, buddy. I'll be there tomorrow. "  
"I'll be waiting for you."  
Dean smiles at him and then leaves, almost running towards parking lot. Sam is sitting on car's hood, clearly thinking about something. Looks like something important. Dean smashes him into head, trying to look scary.  
"Get out off my baby."  
"It was my car just yesterday! "  
"Yeah, but _was_ means past."  
" Wow, Dean! You're a genius! "  
"Shut up, bitch."  
"Jerk."

 

They've seen few nice apartments, but the last one looks like it was made just for them. It's nothing big, just two bedrooms plus living room with an open kitchen and bathroom. It's close to Sam's high school and Bobby's garage, and Cas could go to school nearby too. There's also great view for a park from the window and Dean calls it a win. He takes a look at Sammy to see if he likes it too and it seems like he does.  
"We'll take it." He says to a real estate agent, who happens to be a beautiful young woman. She has blonde hair and gorgeous breasts. Dean is used to hook up with random girls few times a week, but it doesn't feels right this time.  
"That's fantastic! I'll get papers ready for you, be right back." She winks at him and his dick decides to get intrested. _"Fuck how it feels."_  
" Sammy, don't you want to bragg about this to your girlfriend? "  
Sam looks at him, considering this for a while. He probably knows why Dean asked in the first place, but doesn't seem to mind.  
"Yeah, I kinda do. Will you pick me up later? "  
"Sure, just text me her adress and I'll be there." Boy yells quick thanks before running out. Dean smirks when the woman is back, clearly happy they finally alone. She closes the door and places the papers on the kitchen table.   
"Where is your brother?"  
"He's out, no need to worry."  
He pushes her on the wall, kissing her exposed neck and soon his hands are under her dress. He slides her panties to her knees and ably undoing his own jeans. He pulls his boxers just enough to get his hard dick out, clothed himself into a condom and pushes into her without any kind of warning. Dean Winchester was never the "making love" type of guy. It's just about pleasure, for both of them of course, but no feelings should be involved. So he likes to do it quick and he doesn't let them touch or look at him when it's happening. Because He always had Dean on his back and he hated every second.   
She moans loud - too loud when he starts moving. He rubbs her clit while rocking his hips fast and he tries to focus his mind only on her body. It's not long before she comes and he's not even close yet. He keeps thrusting, trying to think about some way to speed this up. So he does that one thing that'll lead him straight to hell someday and lets himself thinking about Cas underneath his body. It works almost right away and Dean has to bit his tongue to stop himself from groaning boy's name. She tries to touch his arm, so he immediately pulls out and tossed an used condom into the trash can.   
"Where should I sign?" He clears his throat as he zipps his jeans. She looks confused for a second, but hands him the papers and a pen. He signs, not brave enough to look at her again. This was a really terrible idea.


	11. The eleventh

######  _Castiel_

Castiel is sitting in his usual place in Doctor Masters' office. They are waiting for Michael, but he's really late and Castiel starts to think he's not going to show at all. It wouldn't be surprising - boy got no expectations anymore. People let him down too many times, so he's always prepare for the worst. At least Meg is not talking and he's glad because of that. He hates pity. And she can't say anything to make him feel better.  
"I am so sorry, my boss didn't let me leave earlier. "  
Castiel doesn't lift his head which is resting on his knees for the whole time. He knows Michael isn't explaining himself to him. He doesn't care his little brother was waiting, but he did care about doctor Masters' time. Probably because he's paying a lot of money for it.  
"It's not a problem, Mister Novak. Please sit down so we can talk."  
"Okay, so what it's all about? " He asks firmly, siting next to the boy." Are you causing troubles again, Castiel? "  
He turns head to look at Castiel, but boy's already covering his face with his both hands. He tries not to cry, but he hates this tone and he hates that Michael's assuming he did something wrong. Is he actually always that bad?   
"Nothing's wrong, Mister Novak. We just have one thing to discuss. Are you going to tell your brother, sweetheart? "  
Castiel shakes his hand, but kept his face covered. He can't breathe and he feels like he might be having a heart attack. He hears blood pumping in his body with unbelievable speed and he doesn't know what he should do to slow it down.   
"Deep breaths, honey. You are safe, it's okay. Want me to call Dean first?"  
Boy nods immediately, because Dean is the only person who can keep him calm. And he definitely needs to be calm if he's going to have this conversation with Michael. Man is watching him carefully, clearly not sure what's actually happening. Meg must have told him who Dean is, but he probably forgot. She gives Castiel the phone and he suddenly feels a lot better, when he hears so familiar voice.  
"You okay, Cas? How you're feelin'?"  
"M-my brother's here... " He answers quietly and for a moment he thinks it was too quiet to hear.  
"It's alright, buddy. He won't be mad. And if he will, I'll punch him in the face. Tell him he can visit me and Sammy to see where you would live."  
"I'm scared."  
"Know you do. How 'bout I'll do our thing again when you move in?"  
Dean wants to kiss him. _Dean wants to kiss him again._  
" Yes... I'd like that."  
"Okay, but you have to tell him first. And remember you're awesome, kid. I miss ya."  
"Miss you too, Dean."  
Castiel hangs up and waits for Michael's questions, but there are none. He's suprised, he expected his brother to be angry, but Michael just looks like him with shock written all over his face and Castiel finds this picture terribly odd.

"You ask me for **what** , Castiel? You're thirteen years old!"  
Castiel shivers, because Michael is screaming and his voice hurts boy's ears. He wants to cry again, but he can't let Michael win. He has to prove he's not a child anymore and he's capable of making mature decisions. Although reality is he's just too scared to come home. He's afraid of Lucifer even here in the hospital where he knows his brother has no chance to hurt him. But Lucifer's voice and his accusations are burried deep in Castiel's mind and he can't get rid off them. Even if he keeps trying.   
"I ask you to not force me back home, when my treatment will be complete."  
"And you will live with some stranger you've met _here_ and his brother? Who's gonna pay for this, huh? What if this boy is some kind of psychopath or pedophile? "  
Of course, money always goes first.  
"Dean Winchester is a great person, I assure you. He has helped your brother even thought his awful past."  
"Yes, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying things like that. But I can't let Castiel live on his own, he's too young. I am responsible for him."  
Boy lets tears streaming down his face this time. Why did he even thought Michael would agree? It was stupid idea, he's stupid to bring this up. He should've stay silence and he shouldn't have ask for anything. Dean would rather be without him and Sam most likely hates him anyway. It's good. Everything will be the way it was before. Changes are hard, maybe it's just better that way so he can't hurt anyone except himself. _It's really good._ He can survive long enough to leave the hospital and buy a fancy new knife.  
" Don't cry, little brother... It will be okay."  
He finally looks into Michael's eyes. Man seems worried, but Castiel knows it's just an act. He pretends not to notice how his brother's eyes became full of tears too. He never saw Michael cry and he doesn't want to ever change that.  
"Yes, it will be, because I'm going to end this for good. I won't go back to that house."  
"Castiel... "  
"No! Which part you didn't understand? I won't go back. Why would I? Everything I've ever done in that house was destroying myself, so I can just finish my job. And you won't have to pay my enormous medical bills and you won't have to be mad at me anymore. "  
Michael face is pure shock and Castiel thinks he doesn't look any better. He didn't expect he will have the courage to say it out loud. Then Michael does this one thing he hasn't done since he found Castiel in their backyard. He pulls boy onto his lap and hugs him.  
"You really think that's what this is about? That we are all mad at you? We love you, Cassie. I know you don't believe me, but we do. You know how much it hurts to look at you, because we let that happen? We should have protect you from Lucifer and we failed, and I'm so sorry for that. You did nothing wrong, little brother."  
"I-I don't want... Don't want to go b-back." He sobbs, curling in Michael's chest. He didn't realize until this very moment how much he needs to hear this exact words. They love him. They're not mad, they never were. All this years he thought Michael can't look at him, because he's disgusted or angry where it was the opposite. But Castiel still feels sorry, because it doesn't really changes anything. What happened happened and no words could take memories away from him.  
"I would advise you to consider this, Mister Novak. I don't think Castiel will recover if he identifies his problems with your house."  
"I have to talk with this boy, can you give me his address?"  
She writes something on a piece of paper and gives it to Michael. Castiel knows Dean talked about this with Meg and already gave her permission. It was obvious to him that Michael will want to talk. Unlike Castiel, he actually believed that his family cares.  
"He asked to call him first."  
"Of course. " He kisses Castiel in his forehead before pushing boy gently off his lap. "I have to go back to work. I'll see you tomorrow, Cassie. Thank you, doctor."  
Michael shakes her hand and give her a grateful smile. Castiel slides hands into his pockets and wonders what Dean will tell his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the mistakes!


	12. The twelfth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that will be finished today or tomorrow and I'll start another part of the story. Thank you so much for reading this!

######  _Dean_

Dean is currently working on some fancy Camaro, when he hears his old flip phone ringing. He should probably buy himself a new one - that's what Sammy's saying, but boy's takes a lot of money and now he needs to buy a furniture too. He's glad Bobby let him back to work right away. He has to make some money and he has to do it quick.  
He wiping his hands and tense a little when he sees unknown number on the screen. He immediately thinks about Cas, seeing that it's probably his brother who's calling. Dean was expecting that, but it doesn't make it easier. He really hates formal conversations.  
"Hello?" He says, trying to keep his voice calm and firm. He has to make good impression if he wants to help Castiel.  
"Hello, my name's Michael Novak. Am I speaking to Mister Winchester? "  
"Dean will be good. You're Cas' brother, right?"  
"Yes. I'm his brother and his guardian, so since he wants to live you I thought we need to talk. Can you meet me, Dean? Today would be best, I don't want to keep him in suspense. He's not doing very well."  
"Yeah, sure. I'll be home in two hours."  
"Good. I have your address so I'll meet you there."  
Man hungs up before Dean has any chance to respond. He doesn't seem like a nice person, but it's probably because he's worried. Dean can be a real son of a bitch when it comes to Sam's safety, so he perfectly understands. It's just big brothers thing, what can you do?

He runs up the stairs, cursing traffics in his mind. He's fifteen minutes late and it's not good. It's terrible actually, Cas told him that Michael is always busy and hates latecomers.  
"I'm so sorry, didn't mean to be this late and my phone died." He says to a formal looking man as soon as he's by the door. Michael looks at him - at his dirty, ripped jeans to be precise, but doesn't make any comment. He pulls out a hand and Dean immediately shakes it. Maybe it won't be that bad.  
"I understand. Nice to meet you, Dean."  
"You too. I'll show you our place. We just move in, so it's still kinda empty." He says, inserting the key into the lock. He always feels the need to explain himself. "But we're gonna get some stuff on weekend, when Sammy doesn't have school. He's a little bit of nerd, so y'know... Emm, come in. I was thinking that--"  
"Dean, slow down. I'm not going to tear off your head, I just want the best for my little brother. "  
Michael comes in first, taking a close look at every part of the apartment. Dean closes the door, leading him to Sammy's bedroom.  
"I was thinking Cas can share a room with Sammy, so I let him take the bigger bedroom. It's enough place for two beds and desks, also some cabinets for books. There's a big wardrobe in here, so we don't really need to buy anything else."  
"Well, seems like you thought about everything. This is actually looking very good, but you sure your brother won't mind?"  
"Nah, he likes the idea. He can help Cas with homework, his school is close to the middle one. He can take a look on Cas during breaks. Y'know, check how he's doing."  
Michael smiles and Dean feels warmth in his stomach. He hopes man will agree, otherwise Castiel won't be good. And Dean is not ready to lose this kid in due to he's not convincing enough. Michael asks him some questions about his family and job, they are talking for good thirty minutes before man takes a look at his watch.  
"You are really good guy, Dean. I'll let Castiel live here, but you will have to stay in touch with me. And of course I will give you money for furniture, books and his medication, and help you pay the bills."  
That is actually a lot better than he expected. After hearing Castiel's stories, he thought they will just throw him here and forget he's ever existed. Maybe Dean will even talk boy into building some relationship with his siblings. He'll definitely need support to recover and he should have more than two friends. Family is a great start. Sammy will help him make friends in school later and some day Castiel will find himself a pretty girl.  
"Yeah, if you insist."  
"I know what my brother told you about me, but I'm really not _that_ bad. However I do failed him and now I have to fix it."  
" It's alright, I got it. Cas is sick, he not always means this things he's saying. I'm glad you learn from your mistakes, not everyone do that." He answers quickly, thinking about his parents. They didn't even call him. Hell, they surely don't even now he's back. It's been four days and he still can't find enough strength to visit his old house. What if He's there? Sitting on the couch with John by his side, like nothing ever happened. Like he haven't fucked him on that very couch a thousands of time. He still carries the marks He left on his back and ass. He wish he could make himself forget, but he really can't, no matter how much he tries.  
"Yes, I know. Thank you for meeting me, I should probably go and talk to Castiel now. Call me when you buy everything so I can give your money back. "  
"I will, thanks. Tell Cas I miss him. "  
Michael raises an eyebrow in confusion, but remains silence. He sends Dean a friendly smile before going out.

######  _Castiel_

It is a bad day, worse than any day since he was admitted. He's sitting on his bed, arms holding knees pressed to his chest. He spends all day staring at the wall in front of him with completely blank expression. It's like he's not even here. His heart is still beating far to fast, even though doctor Masters already gave him some medication. He might die today, but he needs to know first. He needs to know if he and Dean ever had a chance.  
"Castiel, honey... You're brother's here. He's got some good news. "


	13. The thirteenth

######  _Dean_

It took Castiel almost eight more months to be discharged. He has gained just enough weight he doesn't need constant medical care anymore. He still needs many medications and Dean is worried he won't know how to take care of him. He was looking after Sammy since he can remember, but this is something completely different.  
"You sure you don't want to visit your siblings first?" He asks carefully, looking at boy sitting next to him in his car. Castiel shakes his head, no bother with any verbal answer. He's not talking much since he's started eating properly. Dean can tell that boy is thinking hard about hurting himself again. He doesn't say anything, they can talk about this later. Right now he needs to make sure Castiel will feel like home.  
He stops the car in front of the building and Castiel follows him to their apartment. When they walk in, boy's face suddenly starts to glow. He smiles at Dean and this is the best the best view in the world.  
"You like it?"  
"Thank you, Dean... Thank you." Dean pulls Castiel into a hug and before he can even realise they lips are pressed together. His hands slid on boy's waist when he opens his mouth to let Dean's tongue in. They shouldn't be doing this, but it feels so good. Dean falls on the couch behind him and Castiel immediately places himself on his lap, thights on both sides of Dean's hips.  
"Cas--"  
"Please, don't say anything. "  
Boy kisses him again and bites his lip. Dean gives in the second he feels cold hand under his shirt. He shoves Castiel on his back, undoing his jeans. Boy obediently lifts his hips just enough so Dean can slid his clothing down. They're kissing passionately and when Dean wraps his hands on Castiel small dick, boy moans straight into his mouth. He clenches one leg on Dean's waist, the other resting one the floor. Dean suddenly feels unpleasant crush in his stomach, thinking about what he's actually doing. But Castiel doesn't seem to mind at all - his hand skillfully finds its way inside Dean's underwear like he has done that million times before. Dean jerks away a little bit, because his hand are really fucking cold. Castiel obviously notices and his body freezes.  
"M'sorry..."  
"It alright, Cas. Just move it." Castiel tighten his grip and do as he was told. "Yeah, just like that... You're so good."  
Dean closes his eyes, trying hard not to crush boy with his weight. Boy is one hundred percent unexpired , it can be seen at a glance. His movements are sloppy and not really coordinated. It's good though, but Dean knows a way to make it better.  
He slid his jeans and underwear down a little and then covers Castiel's hand with his own. Boy lets Dean guide his hand along his lenght. He bit into Castiel's throat to muffle his moans as he feels his climax coming closer. He comes after few more strokes and when he finally opens his eyes he sees that Castiel bites his bottom lip so hard it's bleeding. Boy lets out a loud moan before his body relaxes completely underneath Dean.  
"Cas, did you just...?" Castiel nods with ashamed expression on his face, his cheeks flushed pink and his eyes shines beautifully. Dean places gentle kiss on his forehead and smiles.  
"Wow, that’s great, babe. Don't be so embarrassed."

######  _Castiel_

Castiel tries to pull himself together after coming like a some kind of virgin without even being touched. Well, he actually _is_ a virgin, but he should do better for Dean. He can't lose it just for kissing, but touching Dean was so amazing he couldn't stop himself. He finally manages to think straight and he feels really anxious.  
" Dean... When Sam will be back from school?"  
Dean takes a look at watch on the wall and immediately stands up, putting his clothes back on. Castiel does the same, man's reaction has to mean they don't have much time left.  
"Fuck. Fuck! Cas, do something with your hair for Christ's sake."  
"What? What's wrong with my hair?"  
Before Dean has a chance to answer, door are being opened and Sam is standing in them with wide grin on his face. He's got pie in one hand and bunch of balloons in the other.  
"Aw man, I was hoping I'll be there before you two!" He steps inside, handing Castiel balloons which are in different shades of pink. Sam gives Castiel pink balloons. _Pink._ Is that could be any more embarrassing?  
" Welcome home, Cas! I've always wanted to have a younger brother."  
"Say what? I'm not enough for ya, bitch?" Dean manages to send Sam hurt look even though he clearly wants to laugh. Sam chuckles, poking his arm.  
"Just saying you'll now have your attention focused on Cas and I will do what I want, jerk. "  
"Oh yeah, you wish." Dean answers in his big brother's tone and Castiel can't help, but notice small blush forming on his face. He will hopefully have his attention focused on Cas indeed. Not that Castiel minds at all, he would love every second of it.

They ate the pie and watched some old movies before Dean tells them to go to bed. Sam complaints, but goes to his room anyways. Castiel stands up, but he really doesn't feel like moving.  
"What is it, buddy? You need some lights on or anything? Something to drink maybe?"  
"No, I... Um, could you kiss me goodnight? " He whispers queitly, not sure if Dean actually hears him. But then man is suddenly next to him as he placing soft kiss on Castiel's lips. Boy wants to kiss him back, but it over too soon.  
"You should get some shower before bed. And I believe there's no need to check you later and see if you didn't do anything stupid?"  
"I won't. Thank you."  
"Goodnight, Cas."  
"Goodnight, Dean. I love you."  
He dissappears before Dean can react as he's so afraid he won't get any answer. And he doesn't want to destroy it, because it feels nice to finally have place he can call _home_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story amd for the kudos. The next part of this series will be up next week I guess, because I want to post some longer chapters this time. It will have lot of fluff and domestic Cas/Dean relationship with some minor drama. I don't think it will have any underage (maybe slightly, I think Cas will be about 16).  
> It's possible I will rewrite some things here later on if my writing gets better, but I will let you know.


End file.
